Christmas

Merry (belated) Christmas!!

We had a busy, fast Christmas here. Well I guess if by busy you mean making cookies and eating alot! We had fun. We were all at my house (except my older sister and her family).

I refused to leave this year. It just didn't feel right leaving. So we ate alot and sat alot. The kids kept each other busy and today we ended it with a big game of bowling. Paige's new favorite thing to do, except I think the only reason she likes it is for the arcade games and snacks!

It should be fun getting back to the groove of things come Monday for a few days and then a few days off!! YAY!!

Along with the good, fun times, were the sad times. I missed Landon a ton. It just is not right going to the cemetery on Chrismas to take your child a gift. That is the only time I lost it, sometimes when I go to the cemetery, it feels like the past year is being thrown into my face. That is tough to take!

We did take Landon a tree decorated with pictures and a string that Abby crocheted. Mike's family took a wreath, which was very pretty!

Here are some pics from the last few days.

HU (hurtin unit)

Yep that's me. I am one big HU, I don't know if anyone know what a ultimotion is. Kind of like a wii game. This hooks up to the TV and has different sports. Tennis, Golf, Bowling, and Football.
Well as kids our parents always took us to play tennis. I had not played in a long time but have always loved it. Well this game is soo fun. It is as if you are really playing.
WELL> We played a bit during the day on Saturday, then we actually went to the bowling alley and bowled, for real and 2 games. Then after the kids went to bed, my sister and I stayed up until about 11p playing tennis. This was like for 3 hours!
Again, this was Saturday, It is Monday and I can barley move!
Too funny. What a workout! I had to order one. Paige likes the golf! And now she likes to go bowling too, we found a new hobby for these cold snowy days!
Please say prayers for Sweet Kaia's family. She was just diagnosed with Leigh's a few short days ago and went to Heaven this morning.
PLEASE !! Tell everyone you know about this disease, we really need to find a treatment or cure!
I will be do a fundraiser for Landon's birthday this year. I know I said that last year too, but this year it is going to happen. Any ideas, please let me know!

Oh the sharing!

Well I must say the freezing cold weather can go at any time!
So I blogged about our dog being sick, well he has not gone outside the last few days other than to run out midyard squat and run back to the door to get back in. I can't really say I blame him, it is by far way to cold. But he also as not eaten in 2 days. Not sure if this is him getting really sick or just, I'm to freakin cold to go out there even if it means to grab some food. I tried bringing his food inside to feed him and he still had no interest, but I put the food back outside, cause I surely am not going to leave the dog food in the house for him to eat it and then have to go poo, when no one is home to let him out!
So I now have a very snorty dog sleeping on my floor. He was sleeping at the bottom of the stairs, he then figured out how to sneak up when I went to bed and slept on the floor in the living, he then resorted to sneaking into my room when he thought I was asleep. Now he just does whatever he wants.
Paige has also figured out that for the sake of not listening to a bunch of crying and whining at 5A, she can also sneak into my bed. So she is getting up extremely early to crawl in my bed, but she then sleeps until about 7 or like this morning 730A. I'll take it! Getting up at 6A to sit at the table and color is no fun! Ater a few days of that. I told her she had to watch cartoons until I had my coffee! So I can handle a little bed buddy for a few hours extra sleep!
She has not gotten sick since he last bout a few weeks ago. She has been very energetic and happy for the most part. I am going to help with her class Christmas Party on Thursday and hope to get some good pics of her with her friends.
I have signed her up for private swim lessons at the rec center, so she will start that next month!

WOW

Something very interesting just happened.
We went to light the candle and put a ribbon on the tree at the funeral home. Mike picked Paige up and met me over there.
Well feeling a bit eary and all these feeling of the funeral home came back to me. Walking in, there is 1 other family standing there writing on the ribbon. Now I don't know too many people in Greeley, but the family was a family that Paige and Landon went to daycare with. The 2-3 months he went he was there with this little boy at times. Paige had gone to daycare with him for a few years. But the strange thing happened when I got home.
Mike took Paige to her Christmas party so I came home to finish uploading the pics on here. I Put my food in the microwave and ran down to click upload. I went back up got my food out of the microwave and was making a sandwich when I heard something hit the ground, right by my feet.
Now I don't know if I blogged on this necklace before. But Shan had it made for me after Landon passed. I cried when I saw it becasue it is soo very special. It has his name on one side and the day he was born and the day he grew his wings. It also has his birthstone and angel wings attached. I wear this necklace almost everyday, there are days I forget to put it on. I usually store it in the original case and in my purse, so I can put it on when I get to work. Last night I took it off and put it next to the TV in the livingroom. I remember exactly the spot. And I went to put it on today at work and remembered exactly where I put it.
So I heard something drop by my feet, I look down an it is the necklace! Now I am in shock at this point. It is as if it were thrown at me. I stood in disbelief. Then I thought back to this morning and thought well maybe I meant to take it with me and that is as far as I got with it. But not the case, the first time I had even thought about was at work and I remember thinking, oh yeah I left it next to the TV. And in a spot that Paige would not have even looked or touched it.
I then prayed. Thanked God and my Landon for sending me such a sign in a time I needed it again!
Shan, this necklace is soo special. This and the locket my mom gave me. They are soo very special. Thank you.
I came here to update on things, but after writing all this. I will wait for another time....
Love to all
Tami

Paige's Beavis and Butthead moment

SO on our little trip, Paige and her cousins, decide who was gonna be in her band. They got it all figure out and they named there band the Tooters! Nice huh!
So this morning Paige on my bed watching TV and a commercial came on for helping kids with learning.
They said "private tutors" will be assigned.
She immediately started laughing and said PRIVATE TOOTERS!!! Very funny!!!

She woke up throwing up again. This is the 3rd time in the last month. She was really crabby when I picked her up last night and woke at 1A crying and had to potty, seh went and then again at 2A woke crying and said she had to potty, tried and nothing, then again at 5A, she got up and threw up. She then asked if it was morning and I said no and had her come to bed with me. She slept until 710A or so and she really could have slept alot longer. I hate being a working parent! I had to take her to preschool so I could work. She really did feel ok was just tired and she can nap at about 1p, they will call if she is not feeling well. It is snowy and icy here it took about 45 mintues to get work (usually only 25).

TO: God.com
Dear Lord,
Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little Prayer
Keeps running through my head:

God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do;
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Please bless my computer too.
Now I know that it's unusual
To Bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.
You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends;
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you.
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.
Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail inbox
And each person who hits "send".
When you update your Heavenly list
On your own Great CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to GOD.com
Amen

What should I get ___________for X-mas, they have everything already......

How about giving the money that you would spend to a good cause instead of a store that already has millions.
This year, instead of buying a ton of stuff that most likely will be touched a few times and then thrown in a box until I find time to give it away, I am going to take that money and give it to someone who DOES need it. Now I admit I am totally broke! But I also know I will get Paige a few things for Christmas regardless of how broke I really am. But this year I will take half of what I plan to spend and give it away. Probably of course to mito research or maybe eli's angels. Maybe I should split it up and give to all of them. Here are a few places to throw a few dollars to.

www.umdf.org
www.elisangels.org
www.connorshouse.org

Just a few, that are mito realated in some way or another.
Also I wanted to share. I received an email from a mother in the UK, I am not sure how she got my email, online I presume, maybe Landon's CB. She emailed and shared that her 16 month old daughter was diagnosed with Leigh's disease 3 months prior and desperatley was looking for information. She said her daughter was very ill and she wanted information on "the end of life" per say. She was very careful knowing how knew and fresh I a in the whole grief and I was soo very happy that I could answer some of her questons and let her know that she was not alone. She emailed just about a week or less before Thanksgiving and we only exchanged about 3 emails. On Thanksgiving I recieved and email from her that her little girl had passed. Please keep her and her sweet angel in your prayers.

Tami

Happy Thanksgiving

We are headed out to Kansas, and not just Kansas, but Kansas City and not just Kansas City, Kansas, but Kansas City, Missouri! Yep we are crazy! It will be Paige and I, My sister and A and B.
We are breaking that drive by staying at my dad's both ways, then he will drive with us the rest of the way. My mom is flying out on Sat and we will not only have Thanksgiving, but a very big Birthday part for a very special 2 year old princess! We will be back on Monday!
Wishing everyone tons of thankfulness, and full tummy's!!!
Much Love
Tami and Paige

Me Time

Paige went with Mike yesterday and spent the night. I read an entire book on grieving. I have never read a entire book, OK well maybe 1 or 2 in my life. And I read this entire book (ok, almost) in one day. It is How to Survive loss of a child. I have read alot of them, well skimmed through alot of them. This book is written by a psychologist and also has lost a child and is a woman. Anyway I highly recommend it to those who need it.
Anyways I read the book, I did nothing but read and lay on the couch with my heating pad on, oh and I did soak in the warm tub! I looked at my messy house and did not even think about cleaning it. I had no energy to. So I took me time and it felt really good. I am soar today, not sure if it was all the tension I let go and my body is feeling that.
I woke this morning and did yoga, I am already feeling like a noodle. Does yoga really make your muscles that tired? I really did not feel like I was exercising, just felt good to stretch, I guess maybe I was concentrating more on when I was supposed to breath. But I feel good, I reminded myself to be gentle with myself. If anyone has tips on yoga or mediation let me know.
Tami

My Sneaky chocolate chunk girl

Paige loves chocolate chunk chips more than anything in the entire world right now.
Well this morning she asked if she could have some and I told her she had to eat her ham and bread first, this has been a way of getting her to actually eat breakfast. She gets a few chocolate chunks afterwards and of course always wants more. The answer again this morning was No you have had enough, I will get you some strawberries. She said OK. Well I am very abscent minded to say the least these days. I forgot to get her strawberries and instead I proceeded to go to my room to continue to get ready for work. Well she walks by my door and says, "mommy I just want to go to my room" Worried I looked at her and said do you feel OK. She said yes. As I looked at her I noticed she had her bowl in her hand and was covering it with her other hand. I said "oh, what's in your bowl. She siad nothing, I said Oh really, looks like something is in there. She said no it's nothing. I said is that the truth? She said no. I looked in her bowl and there were the chocolate chunks!! SNEAK! I guess I better stop buying the chocolate chunks!

The Big Fake Smile

Ok, Well I guess the one thing she got from me is the Fake Smile! We have never had our pic taken like this. Our church had a professional photo session for families to get everyone's pics in a directory. Well we got a free 8x10. I guess it is obvious where she gets this fake smile thing! And they wanted $40 to touch up any faults you might have. I thought WHAT faults, yeah right! Well let's just say I have a few faults! Oh well, it is a very cute pic! I had to add of course a pic of me and my sweet Landon too!

Paigie Waigie

So it seems my little girl has grown out of her cute little nickname. She gets mad now when you call her Paigie Waigie. We had called her that, just becasue it rymes and it is cute afterall! A few kids at her preschool had also come up with it so it must fit! This past weekend her cousins came to play or should I say fight. B called her Paigie Waigie and she got all mad! How funny is that.................... like, I am 4 and a half now, DUH!
So I guess the name is gone for now! Maybe we can come up with a all grown up nickname for her. She toots alot, maybe we could get away with tooter! Or maybe not! I can already see her face turning beat red and her foot stomping the floor!
Harley is hanging in, feeling ok, he is on steroids, I bet that would make me feel pretty good too.
Hmmm. Just kidding!
Tami

My New Fave Song

I love this song, I love the beat and her voice is amazing! Turn it up loud!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVTyLqkez6A

Sucky Bad Days!!

I think the last 24 hours have been the saddest, angriest days so far. I have felt myself missing Landon and found myself yesterday evening searching high and low to see if I had video of him before he started to show signs of this nasty horrible disease that I dispise. So I found a video, only about 5 mintues long that I took Before the disease took over. I have forgotten what he was able to do. The first part of it is 2 months old, he is looking around everywhere, moving around in a casual way. Second part he is batting at a toy that plays lots of fun music and kicking his legs. Third part of the video, Paige and I are teaching him to stick his tongue inadn out of his mouth, he is cooing and babbling and watching his sister very jealously as she steels his video camera time! This was absolutely 100% heart breaking!! I have forgotten that he actually deveoped skill as any 2-3 month old would have and it is literally tearing me apart! I immediately cried my eyes out, I went to my room and tried to do it behind closed doors as I waited for Mike to come and entertain Paige. Of course she knew what was going on, she watched the tape with me and I think she was amazed herself. Mike got home and I went downstairs, shut myself in the room and listened to Landon's massage CD. I cried my heart out and it does not want to stop coming out! I cried for a long time and then again this morning. I just could not stop and cried all the way to work. I could have stayed home and in bed all day crying. It seems like every month or so a whole new realit hits. I have been ok for the last month, and was not quite expectig this. It hurts soo bad, I feel like I could cry for a whole year, and if life would allow that, I would do it! This disease sucks and it sucks bad! I hate it more than I can put into words!
To top things off, our dog, Harley has lymphoma, cancer and is not doing well. We will probably have to put him to sleep this week. After what we have gone through, this really is not hitting as hard as I guess it would have had I not lost my child a few months ago. Harley has lived a long, happy life and I hate for him to suffer.
I hate Leigh's disease and everything it has done to me an my family!!
Tami

Spiritual Encounters

I think I have written in previous posts about my encounters with Hawks since Landon's passing.
The first was at the cemetary, after praying I looked to the sky and took in the air and blue sky and watched the beautiful hawk soar above me. It was very peaceful. The next that stands out is while Paige and I were playing in the front yard, we saw this beautfiful hawk flying around. Paige saw it and said "mommy that is the bird that is in my dreams". She was very excited.
This past Sunday, I went tot he cemetary to collect my potted plants from the cemetary. As I drove along the road leading to the entrance, I noticed the hawk fly off the fence and soar around as if it were leading me into the cemeteray.
(Paige has been looking curiously for ladybugs the last few weeks, when the lucky one is found it is stuck in her bowl with grass.)
While praying at the cemetery, I opened my eyes and guess what I saw, 3 lady bugs crawling on the plants and items that are sitting on Landon's site. Paige was not with me, but I did take her back later and we collected the gifts from Landon : )

Tis The Season

For Peppermint Mocha Fraps!!!

I snuck a peice of Paige's Hershy's bar from Halloween and brought it in a bag to work with a pack of my gum. When I opened the peice of chocolate, I got this amazing smell of chocolate and mint (from the gum). I know that smell!! I have not had a Peppermint Mocha Frap in soo very long, I cannot wait to have one!

Halloween and Things......

Well another Halloween and another "shy" Paige. I just knew this was going to be the year that she went and knocked on all the houses doors in the neighborhood. Not so for this little Rock Star! We went to the house down the street (her friend from preschool), and nobody was home. I finally talked her into going to the neighbors right next door. She did really good, but did not want to go anywhere else. She wanted to just hand out candy. Well we sat and didn't have anyone, so I told her we needed to go over and at least see her friend Terri, (adult friend). Terri has helped me out quite a bit and Paige just loves her! So we got over there and I barely got Paige out of the car. We went up and did our things, Terri invited us in and Paige of course wanted to see her bird, turtle and dogs. We ended up staying a few hours, having pizza and a glass of wine (for me that is) and Paige saw all the kids that came to her door. I think the whole scary costume thing totally freaks her out. Maybe next year! But she had a fun time. They had a great party at her school that morning.

Now I have just sneaked away from our Tea Party, I hear her up there calling for "my lady". That would be me. I am totally wiped. I have had this awful sinus problem this week. I finally could not take anymore of it and went to Urgent Care yesterday, yes with Paige in tow. The nurse was coughing horrendously all over me, as she gave me the whole sinus lecture. So the PA came in looked and said my sinus's were definitely swollen and gave me a prescription for antibiotic. So I go to get that filled and ask for the generic, and the generic is $75. WOW,

I have no health insurance right now. I lost mine with work when I went part time after Landon got sick, I better see about getting some soon! I feel better today, and hope to feel even better tomorrow. But wow, I am exhausted. Tag and races and everything else a 4.5 year old likes to do is tough when your sinus's feel like they are going to burst! We are on a new computer system at work too this last week. YIKES!!! My brain needs a rest and it starts all over already again tomorrow.

My Lady wants to go to the park, so I am signin off~ ! Before I get told I am mean again today! Have a good week!!

Time

How can time go so fast yet so slow. Seriously, last Monday feels like it was months ago. It has now only been 3 months since Landon passed, and really it feels like years! Yet I look at Paige and she is 4.5 years old. What! She is getting soo big, I cannot believe she is going to be 5 and in Kindergarten soon! It really blows my mind! Now 1 year ago I was sitting in a hospital, trying to get doctors to figure out what on earth was going on with my sweet boys tummy. That feels like a long time ago. I hate that it feels so long ago, I mean I want the time to go by fast so that this whole grief thing gets easier, but really it feels like it has been years since I held and kissed him. Does it really get easier with time. I don't know.

Ok enough of the sad stuff, on a more positive note, I have had a much better week. We went to church on Saturday and my mom went with Paige and I. I feel so much at home there. And i really think it gives me strength to get through the week. We have been keeping busy and Paige and I ran around the backyard having races and playing tag, I really was not sure I could role out of bed this morning! I was sore! It takes alot of butt muscle to take off on a ready, set, go! My left cheek muscles are very soar, so today I made sure I used the other leg as the take off leg. I know, I AM OUT OF SHAPE!!

I have been looking at obits in the newspaper lately, I know it sounds crazy! But in the last few weeks I have seen a few babies that have passed and I have really wanted to do something. As mom's we greive differently than dad's. I have been thinking about starting a type of mom's group. A group of mom's that have lost a child that get's together, to go to dinner, or drinks, or movies. Like a mommy's night out but you all have that one thing in common. Does that sound like a good idea? Any thoughts that you guys might have please let me know. I know they have group support and stuff, but this would be for mom's who want to get there mind off things for a while. Maybe I feel like that would be of help to me, but I don't know, I am single, maybe someone with a spouse would not like to do that?

Paige had her last night of gymnastics and they had a Halloween party, and this is her costume for now, She thinks she might try something different for the actual Halloween. She is an ice skater. As she says, An Ice Skater without ice skates. Cute huh! I gave her the choice of doing gymnastics again or swim lessons, she wants swim lessons. So next task, find swim lessons that work with our schedule!

Spring Flowers?

Paige and I and Sugar have been playing tag out front for the last week or so in the evening. We have this big backyard with her playset, but she has wanted to be outfront. Well tonight as we were running and giggling, I glanced at a plant I have had for about 4 years. It has these white spring flowers, that really pop. The plant usually stays green the rest of the summer, but only blooms in very early spring. It has just a few white flowers! How beautiful is that!

We had a good weekend, went up to Estes for my nephew's Fall Festival at the church. It was a ton of fun. I got the duty of putting tattoos on the kids. It was a blast! Kids are soo cute and hilarious. Kim (my sister) spray painted and the other girls face painted. I think we were the most fun room!

How would you feel going up to the bar and ordering one of these!

Duck Fart
1/3 oz. Kahlua·
1/3 oz. Bailey's ·
1/3 oz. Crown Royal

The Encounter

Just before leaving the house today, I remembered, well I guess as I walked through the kitchen he was staring at me through the sliding door, I forgot to feed Harley. So I put my purse down, tell Paige I will be right back in. Make my journey into the garage. I always kick the plastic bin before I reach in to scoop out the dog food. I kick hoping if there is something in or around it, it will run off. So I pull the lid off the bin, not really looking, I stick my hand down to pick the scoop up and I turn my head down to look at what I was doing....................................There is a mouse in the scoop!!!!!!!!! Yes very close to my hand. I don't remember it much, but I do know I threw the lid and screamed as loud as I could and frantically opened the door to get back inside and slammed the door as fast as I could, as if this tiny little mouse was chasing me! LMAO! Now what do I do. My poor dog......He was sooo confused, I'm sure, and hungry! I did not go back out there, are you kidding me! I never want to go back out there ever again.
Now I have to think of a plan of action, cause obviousy the dog has to be fed somehow. UGH!!

Ahh, the SUN!!!!

Wow it was kind of a depressing, sad weekend. The weather was rainy, cloudy and dreary. And just when I think the whole grieving thing is under control..........There it goes again, it turns upside down. But I watched Landon's montage, listened to sad, heartwarming music, cried my eyes out, released some emotions and tension, prayed (alot) for a better day. Today the sun is shining it is warmer and my day is much better! Paige is loving preschool and actually wants to go in the mornings, she is excited for gymnastics tonight!! She has been staying away from the TV, she actually made the letter A, is "reading" books to her "class". I found a really good book here at the house that hospice had brought out about dying, she actually let me read it I think it helped!!

We played lots of tag and hide and seek, and enjoyed our time this weekend, even though it was difficult to push and make it through the day, it was still a very amazing day listening to her laugh and play! Today she asked me to rake the leaves in the front yard and so I did. She had tons of fun jumping in the leaves!

I got ahead of myself last month, thinking Landon went to Children's in Sept, but it was October, October 21 to be exact, here are a few pics taken before he stopped eating and ended up at Children's. He was almost 4.5 months old.

Achievements! Sorry long and proud!

I am giving my self a big "You go Girl"!!!

Ok, Not to brag, but I am very proud of my latest achievements. First of all, the other day I noticed getting in and out of the 15 year old car, that the door was getting squeakier and squeakier, and I could no longer ignore it (very embarrassing). So I found the WD in the garage and sprayed it up and down, and it is the quietest door I have ever not heard.
Secondly, The last few days have been filled with flat tires. I left work at lunch time on Wednesday and back up, start to drive off and I hear a "MAAM". So I rolled down my window and he says "You have a flat tire". Luckily Safeway is in the same parking lot, so I drove over and fill my tire, guesstimating how much I am putting in by looks, kind of scared the tire might blow if I overfill. So I proceed to my lunch duties (Target). When I left work the tire was still aired up, so I thought well maybe it someone just let the air out! So I went to bed thinking, Ok, I have to get up a bit early just in case the tire is flat.....Go to bed, wake up, get in the car, back out of the driveway..........WHOA!! What is that awful noise and how come the car isn't going very fast!!! MY TIRE!!! Yep, I totally spaced it, the thought of the tire from the previous day didn't even cross my mind for a second. Anyways, I pull back in the drive way, go into the garage and pull this very large air compressor out and air the tire up, of course again guesstimating the amount I put in. This time I did have a gage, but one time I put it on and it said 15lbs and the next it said 10lbs. So I took the point, I had no clue what I was doing. So I got the "right" amount of air in the tire, took Paige to preschool (4 miles away) and came back to Pierce to have the guys at the tire shop fix it. Was about an hour and half hour late for work, but that's ok. So he came in said I was all set and I asked how much, he said it is on us today!!
HOW NICE!!! I leave for work, this time no lunch because I was late. About 4P i said to my co-worker just looking out the door, OMG I think my tire is flat, she looked and she said "no it is just the way the sun is hitting it". I say Oh yeah you are right. So leave to go home and sure enough it is half flat, so I air it up and come home, look at tires, and they fixed the wrong tire. I know, FREE? So I called them this morning, they apologized, I mean really they did it for free what could I say but no big deal. Took it back in and got it fixed this morning, FREE!!!
Third, I just blew out my sprinkler system for the winter!! Yep did it all by myself! I am very proud, (not very hard) except kind of hard to have a 4year old tell me weather or not all the water is blown out of the one in front cause I am holding the air to system in the back. But she did her best! So Hopefully I got all the water blown out and we will not have any broken pipes this winter!!!! I think that calls for a night on the couch and a little drinky poo in hand!
Have a great weekend!! And thanks for listening!
Ps- I have a mouse (possibly plural) in my garage. I do not do mice!! Really at all!! Not sure how to go about that! Maybe I could lock Sugar in the garage for a while :)

Tami

Learn to Listen!! OOPPSS

Ok, So we are driving in the car to Preschool this morning. Paige is talking 100 miles per minute. I am off in a different world not really hearing what she is saying but responding with a UhHu, yep. We went on like that for a while, then after one of my UhHu, yeps, she very excitedly says REALLY!!! It caught my attnetion and I said in a low voice, uhhu, She replies with this. "Oh Yeah I get a puppy for my birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I was in shock, I really did not know what to say, I couldn't say oh sweetie I wasn't really listening to what you were saying!!!
Her birthday is not until April, so maybe she will not remember, right????

Complex

ok, so I talked to the therapist about Paige and the unrealistic talkings about brother/sister and that it is becoming an issue. She definitaly thinks that this is her way of dealing with the loss of Landon. She said that I need to be very carefull wih dealing with it because if Paige does not have this form of expressing herself, se could just shut down. She said even though she is not suggesting in play that this brother/sister is Landon, she said it really could be. So although I did not tell Paige she could not talk like this anymore, I just basically told her she needed to try and talk about things like gymnastics, what she did over the weekend and so forth, basically things that were real. So last night I got smacked in the face. She was getting dressed to go to gymnastics and she said my brother Landon, and she stopped and looked at me as if she got caught doing somehing she was not supposed to. Then she said, oh yeah, I am not supposed to talk about him.... I said oh Paige you can talk abut Landon as much as you want, I said it is just your pretend brother, and she said with force, Landon is my pretend brother! So, I repeated myself, You can talk about Landon as much as you want to whom ever you want. Yikes, this is soo complex!! So, I am done with the worrying about it. I think she gets the point and I just have to realize that this is impacting her more than I ever would have imagined!!! She has been talking about him soo much lately. She came into the kitchen yesterday and said, mommy we forgot kisses for Landon, I thought she wanted to give me a kiss for him, she then proceeded to kiss her hand and blew it up to the sky!! She is sooo awesome!
Gymnastics went soo well, she is soo outgoing! She loved it, and it will be soo good for her. She is not very coordinated, and I soo hope that the 4 short weeks of this will help alot! We will practice at home too!! Going back to work full time, I have to find a program that is on the weekend and it is very difficult to find anything! That is frustrating as a fulltime worker and fulltime mom!! The good thing is we have 2 cities that are the same distance from the house and hopefully more options! Wish me luck!

Good weekend, Paige and I got out flu shots yesterday. I was going to try to not do the shot but just the nasal vaccince, but they said it does not protect against the symptoms as well as the actual shot. So I opted for the host, poor thing, she cried for just a bit and then I told her she really needed to be a big girl for all the other little kids in the waiting room. We did not want them to be scared to get there's. She stopped crying and we proceeded over to Toys R Us!! She got to pick out a toy since she was such a big girl!!! My shot did not hurt, but it is really soar today! She got her's in the leg and mine in my arm.
So she spent her first night at her dad's. Yeah that was different! I hav enot been alone for that long in over a year maybe 2 years. But i rented a movie and just hung out here. I can't beleive this but I didin't wake up till 830A. WOAH! Haven't done that in over 5 years!
I am ready for her to come home!!! I really missed her.
So I met with her preschool teacher and just went over some basic goals for Paige. She said her gross and fine motor are both great. SAid she was doing great in class, listening and playing with the other kids... BUT! she said she has been noticing, the things that Paige talks about, well not quite reality things. Everything is imaginary talk. My brother this and my sister that. I noticed it was getting to be all she talked about. Os I asked her why she was talking like that all the time. She said, I just want my brother landon back! Ok tear my heart out! Yesterday she wanted to face paint Landon's face, so I had to explain to her again that we cant because Landon died and he went to heaven. Oh this is sooo tough! So the teacher said she noticed it for a while now, but didn't feel like she needed to say anything to her until the other day. She said all the kids were sitting at the table and Paige was talking about her sister and one of the kids blurts out, Paige you don't have a sister. So she said she did not want Paige to get embarrassed so she just kind of told her nicely that she needed to talk about things that were true. I know imaginations run wild in kids her age, so I basically sat her down and told her she needed to try to talk to her friends about real things, like what she did this weekend or what she really has, I told her it was OK to talk about Landon to her friends. I wil lhave to talk to the counselor about it tomorrow and see if there is another, perhaps better way of approaching things. She seems to be having a tough time with that now. She cried the other night cause she misses him, so I had her pick out one of his teddy's to sleep with and it has now became her favorite! Pray that this gets better! My heart hurts! She starts gymnastics tomorrow! I will upload pics!
Tami

Pics

I showed her the picture of her sleeping, it looks like the lights are on, but it is just the flash. Well she saw the pic yesterday morning and then last night before bed she said "Mommy, make sure you shut the lights off after your done taking my picture tonight"

The other thing is, she will not and never has worn a winter hat, for some reason she likes this one, let's see how she likes it when it comes time to having to wear it!

Hi..........

I am going to start Paige in gymnastics. She has been talking about it, so I asked her if she wanted to start a class and she said yes. SO I signed her up and paid the fee, then she said she did not want a class becasue she did not know how to do gymnastics, so I preceeded to explain to her that that is why she was taking a class so they could teach her..............She says "that's gonna hurt my bones" Really! She is 4. But after all that talking, she has decided she cannot wait to go to class and now she cries every morning.... Mommy is today gymnastics, no sweetie, not for nother 4 days....................But mommy that is too far away............
Ok, so Pray that Monday comes really fast!!!
She got moved up to a more "mature" ballet class. Her teacher says she is soo mature for her age and listens well! That is great!
Ok, has anyone seen the previews for the movie Australia???? Hugh Jackman look soo hot!!!!!!!!!
It has been so nice outside.. It is October, it has been in the 80's still. It is awesome, Pagie actually got a sunburn at preschool yesterday. My roses and flowers look awesome! Oh yeah and Sugar got outside this morning and I could not get her in the house...............YIKES, let's hope she will be there when we get home tonight!!!
Sorry I am all over the place!! I took a picture of Paige sleeping last night, it is soo very precious! I will post it when I get home tonight!
Tami

(A little tidbit)

Why Women Cry
A little boy asked his mother, 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm a woman,' she told him. 'I don't understand,' he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, 'And you never will.' Later the little boy asked his father, 'Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?' 'All women cry for no reason', was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, 'God, why do women cry so easily?'God said: 'When I made the woman she had to be special.'I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.' 'I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.' 'I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.' 'I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.'I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife.'And finally, I gave her a tear to shed.' 'This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.' 'That tear holds more then men could understand.'
' If a man was to shed her tear it would look Enormous.'
'For a woman's tear is full of unconditional love, power,sacrifice,beauty,pain,and compassion.''All ten fold of what a Man is able to feel.'
'And that is my son, why I made her as close to being Supernatural.''She's my gift to the world she's an Angel on Earth. '
'Love her and praise her for there will be no other here on Earth that will Love you like I do then your Mother.'
'You see my son,' said God, 'The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.' The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.'

Weekend

We had a seemingly busy weekend, kind of boring, which is strange considering we didn't have a whole lot of down time. Saturday we helped my mom and dad move some things into her apartment in Loveland. She is working at the Loveland hospital now. So that will be nice, closer than Estes! Then we came home, met her new friends at the park, cleaned up and went to church..

Today was slow and hard to keep my mind content... I am having a how did this all happen sort of few days,,,,,UGH!

We went to the park a few times earlier, didn't stay long. First time she was bored cause she was the only one there, and second time she had to poo! So we came home and hung out for a few hours, then I watered the trees and flowers and we ate dinner and back up to the park we went..... Actually I think we were there 4 times today......Single parenting is challenging ........I think if I here a WHAT? a few more times, ALL of my hair will be grey...not just some of it! We had fun though! She had a happy plate for dinner and I did a little happy jig.........She laughed and said, you should do that more often!!!!!!! LMAO! So I guess I will!

So am I the only one that looses a ton of hair this time of year??? Lucikly I have very thick hair or I would really be in trouble!

Fall Colors!

Wow things are really changing color around here. Hoping to get out this weekend and see some beautuful fall foliage............

Well, Paige wanted to watch Hannah, so I turned it on, when the theme song started, she jumped off the couch and did a little shaking of her booty and turned to me and said "Come'on girlfriend"!! She is hilarious..............

She had a preschool screening, eyes and hearing checked, everything checked out good!! That is a relief, I was beginning to wonder if her LOUD voice had anything to do with bad hearing..... Obviously she just likes to talk really LOUD!

She is doing really good with her full days at preschool/daycare, and is coming home talking about new friends, not the same friends she has had there for a few years. That is good! So the days I work, consist of leaving at 830A, picking her aound 545P, racing home to have some dinner to make it to the park. We spend 30-45 minutes there and rush home for bath and bed!

I have started my diet back up! I have also started my 3-5 minute workout.......Funny, I know! That is all I have time for or want for right now. I really need to walk or do something to stretch my body. I ache when I get out of bed, maybe that just happens when you are 32... I don't know.

But I lost 3 lbs this week and I feel really good! Have a wonderful weekend!!!!!!!

Breakfast.....

Paige is not a big breakfast eater, she just does not want anything. Things I have tried.....
Oatmeal
Eggs
Cereal
Toast plain
Toast with Peanut butter/Jelly
Breakfast Bars
Breakfast Tacitos
Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies
Fruit
Granola mix
Bacon---That worked for a while
Ham

I have had it with trying to get her to eat things for breakfast........
The Only thing she will eat for breakfast
Bologna with a bit of cheese and fruit on her plate..and a bit of orange juice to drink with it!

I figure it works....... She is in such a better mood in the mornings!!

Miss Independence

Paige has become sooo independent lately.
*She shuts the door when using the restroom**She needs privacy
*She is getting dressed all by herself in her room**Again privacy (I think she does not want me to try and help her!)
*She must open and shut the car door by herself, if I even habitly go over to do it I get yelled at
*Before she sits in her seat, she has to buckle her "imaginery brother" in the seat next to her
(She used to have 2 imaginery brothers now just 1, has for a year now)
*She sits in her booster and buckles herself in..... Now all this to go anywhere, no fun when we have to make alot of stops in a short time! I have to learn patience!!

I know there is more I am forgetting but I think we get the picture!!

I am reading a book called A New Earth. I bought it a while back but did not get a chance to read much of it and it takes alot of brain power to read and comprehend it! At least for me it does! It explains the concious thinking and the unconcious thinking. Tells to live in the Now and not the past or future. It is very interesting. I have learned alot from this book, and hope to make myself more concious of my doings.
On another note. I am what I would call a freak, when it comes to Paige. I am very overprotective and maybe too overprotective. She is not very "graceful" on her feet when it comes to playing and running. She is soo much better than she used to be. I watch her play and see that she is very carefull, she pays alot of attention to what she is doing, she not just this kid that runs all over the place, falls and gets back up. Usually just when she gets to that point is when she falls and gets hurt. Which comes to why I am thinking of this. We have a new playgournd in town at the school. It is huge.... made for 5-12 year olds. Paige has been over there probably about 10 times and she is getting so comfortable with it and absolutely loves to go play there. I took her over yesterday afternoon and she played and then she was on this bar and dropped her weight down a little too fast, she bumped her head on the way down and landed really fast on her feet and lost her footing, flew forward. And of course knocked her head on a steel pole! No more doing that, that's for sure!!! She cried, I had to remind her to breath (if I don't she hold her breath and almost passes out, sometimes does pass out). I find when I "freak out" is when she really holds her breath. So I must stay calm and collective so she does...... I am working on that. Trying to let her go freely and not worry so much, like I do.... It's amazing what they pickup from us!

Zoo, Kansas, Work and Life

Wow, it has been a while. Things have just been crazy. We took Paige to Zoo a few weekends ago. She loved it, she could do without the drive of course but she had tons of fun. She was hooked at seeing the elephants, so she would not stop to lookat anything until she saw them. We watched them for probably 30 minutes. Then we walked around to see all the animals and took the train ride. She said Mommy, I didn't get sick!! Yippy for that-!! I am soo scared to put her on anything that moves! But she had tons of fun! She walked around for 5 hours! We were totally wiped! She fell asleep in the car before we even got up to the interstate.
So since she hates the car soo much I was a bit worried about the 6 hour haul on a very boring scenery drive to Kansas. We went with my mom and nephew who is also 4 (Paige cannot wait until she is 5 and he is still 4 for a whole month!) and they both did very well. She took a half hour snooze. We got there at like 9P and of course they were ready to party! When we are all together the kids sleep in the same room, not only because Paige would have it no other way, but also for lack of space. Each night we were there one of the 3 kids in the same room had a huge outburst, they were all so worn out at the end of the day they just had to release the days tensions I guess. So we left on Wed and my sister, her husband and Abby came ot Friday and My other sister, her husband and Lauryn (baptized girl) came on Friday as well. Saturday we went into ton and stopped at my Grandma's house! She must have known we were coming cause she had her bright pinkish/red lipstick on. She is soo cute!! Then we headed to a town about 15 miles outside of town to my brother-in-laws parents house and then to the church. The baptism went very well. Abby kept Lauryn very content through the whole thing. At the end I got some good pics of her that I will post a bit later. She is soo cute. I said you want me to take your picture, she says K, and then says Cheese. Very adorable! As the 5 days came to an end we had some pretty worn out, grumpy kids, well OK maybe just my drama queen. The ride back was ok, she fell asleep 1 minute before we had to stop to get gas/potty. So she was really not happy about that. Thank goodness for the scooby movie! Made it home great!
I am back to work, part time for right now. Started yesterday. I was a bit nervous, yet a bit excite. It is nice to get things back to normal, but it is not really normal. If that makes any sense. We will soon find a new "normal". Paige did great at pre school and staying there all day. I was bit worried as she has not had a full day in a while and this was her first without a nap. Prior to yesterday they took naps. They are now nap free in her class. So things went good and she was nice and tired for bed time, but maybe too tired because she did not sleep well last night. She kept waking up and then she got up at 5A and wanted to watch cartoons. I don't think so missy! So I turned on some calming music and she slept till 630A. So with the little sleep she got, I soo hope her day is going well! (I am at work....sneaky!)
Anyways things are going well, being on my own is good. I think I will sign off for now and I will upload pics when I get Paige to bed tonight. It might be a sprite/bacardi limon night!
Please say prayer for Matthew http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mattheweakins

Tami

And of Course, My Sweet Angel..........

"Things"

These are a few "things" that are going on around here.

Paige started ballet. I was afraid she was not going to go, it is at her preschool and in the past she has been there already because I was always at work. She loves to be at home and I really was suprised that I was able to get her to go without a fight or bribe. She of course, said it was going to be boring, but had lots of fun!

She has been using big words lateley. The other morning she told me I was exagerating with what I was saying. Then she said if she ate to many chocolate chips it would be a disaster. She tells me to hussle out of her room. Just funny words bigger words.

She really has been missing Landon lateley. You would think that at 4 she would not be soo aware of what is going on around her. I was reading her a Angelina Ballerina book and she has a smaller boy cousin, Henry, and Angelina wants to go the fair with her friends but she has to take Henry and she says in the book she does not like little boys... While reading it to Paige last night, she said, that is not nice, I miss my little boy brother. She is aware that people sometimes, even though not meant literally, take others for granted. She see's other kids with there siblings and misses that. I hate that alot! I hate that my little girl is the best big sister ever and that she cannot be that! She knows Landon watches her every move but physically she cannot have that brother sister stuff!

Ok, so I added a song "Love Remains the Same". I have heard this song every time I turn around. I mean everywhere, not only that but I turned on the Ellen show for the first time in months and he was on there signing this song. So I decided to take a good long listen to it. It really has alot of meaning to it to me. I have learned through everything to open myself up more. I can't really say that I was shut before, I have always enjoyed life and felt it, but nothing to the extent that I have learned to. Not only from the experience itslef but from the people I have met along the way. I talked to a lady from Hospice who lost her 30 year old daughter to cancer 3 years ago. She gave me a big hug and she said as much as this all sucks, amazing things will happen.

Sorry for the sideways pics. I do not know how to turn them...

Days sliding by

We have had a busy few days. Kim's 31st B-day and Abby's 7th B-day. WE spent our weekend up in Estes. It was loads of fun. We swam at the Stanley both days, Paige loves to swim! She wears her water wings and she constantly is getting out to jump in. They played alot on the tire swing, Paige loves this almost as much as she does swimming. She is taking in everything in life and is dealing with the loss of her brother as well as a 4 year old knows how to. She brings him up a few times a day, usually enough to say she misses him. We give hugs and move onto to the next thing in her life might be at that time.
Life goes by soo fast. Abby is going to be 7 tomorrow. I cannot beleive that 7 years have gone by. It seems like yesterday that I was going up on the weekends to take care of her while Kim worked. Abby could not go to daycare because of her hemangioma on her eye, so I watched her on the weekends. She was my life, I loved seeing her and spending time with her and still do. She is amazing. We looked at pics from when she was a baby and a toddler and I can bareley remember her being soo small. I look at Paige's baby pics and it is the same, time goes by way too fast! I wish that you could pause the wonderful moments in life!
I missed Landon tons this weekend, although I knew his spirit was constantly with us. I went to the cemetery today to water the flowers and say prayers. After I was done with my prayers I looked up to the sky to really feel the moment. I felt the cool air flow through my hair and looked into the prettiest blue sky and after a few moments a very easy flowing bird, with beautiful soaring wings appeared and flew right over the top of me and into the distance. It was beautiful.