Time

How can time go so fast yet so slow. Seriously, last Monday feels like it was months ago. It has now only been 3 months since Landon passed, and really it feels like years! Yet I look at Paige and she is 4.5 years old. What! She is getting soo big, I cannot believe she is going to be 5 and in Kindergarten soon! It really blows my mind! Now 1 year ago I was sitting in a hospital, trying to get doctors to figure out what on earth was going on with my sweet boys tummy. That feels like a long time ago. I hate that it feels so long ago, I mean I want the time to go by fast so that this whole grief thing gets easier, but really it feels like it has been years since I held and kissed him. Does it really get easier with time. I don't know.

Ok enough of the sad stuff, on a more positive note, I have had a much better week. We went to church on Saturday and my mom went with Paige and I. I feel so much at home there. And i really think it gives me strength to get through the week. We have been keeping busy and Paige and I ran around the backyard having races and playing tag, I really was not sure I could role out of bed this morning! I was sore! It takes alot of butt muscle to take off on a ready, set, go! My left cheek muscles are very soar, so today I made sure I used the other leg as the take off leg. I know, I AM OUT OF SHAPE!!

I have been looking at obits in the newspaper lately, I know it sounds crazy! But in the last few weeks I have seen a few babies that have passed and I have really wanted to do something. As mom's we greive differently than dad's. I have been thinking about starting a type of mom's group. A group of mom's that have lost a child that get's together, to go to dinner, or drinks, or movies. Like a mommy's night out but you all have that one thing in common. Does that sound like a good idea? Any thoughts that you guys might have please let me know. I know they have group support and stuff, but this would be for mom's who want to get there mind off things for a while. Maybe I feel like that would be of help to me, but I don't know, I am single, maybe someone with a spouse would not like to do that?

Paige had her last night of gymnastics and they had a Halloween party, and this is her costume for now, She thinks she might try something different for the actual Halloween. She is an ice skater. As she says, An Ice Skater without ice skates. Cute huh! I gave her the choice of doing gymnastics again or swim lessons, she wants swim lessons. So next task, find swim lessons that work with our schedule!

Spring Flowers?

Paige and I and Sugar have been playing tag out front for the last week or so in the evening. We have this big backyard with her playset, but she has wanted to be outfront. Well tonight as we were running and giggling, I glanced at a plant I have had for about 4 years. It has these white spring flowers, that really pop. The plant usually stays green the rest of the summer, but only blooms in very early spring. It has just a few white flowers! How beautiful is that!

We had a good weekend, went up to Estes for my nephew's Fall Festival at the church. It was a ton of fun. I got the duty of putting tattoos on the kids. It was a blast! Kids are soo cute and hilarious. Kim (my sister) spray painted and the other girls face painted. I think we were the most fun room!

How would you feel going up to the bar and ordering one of these!

Duck Fart
1/3 oz. Kahlua·
1/3 oz. Bailey's ·
1/3 oz. Crown Royal

The Encounter

Just before leaving the house today, I remembered, well I guess as I walked through the kitchen he was staring at me through the sliding door, I forgot to feed Harley. So I put my purse down, tell Paige I will be right back in. Make my journey into the garage. I always kick the plastic bin before I reach in to scoop out the dog food. I kick hoping if there is something in or around it, it will run off. So I pull the lid off the bin, not really looking, I stick my hand down to pick the scoop up and I turn my head down to look at what I was doing....................................There is a mouse in the scoop!!!!!!!!! Yes very close to my hand. I don't remember it much, but I do know I threw the lid and screamed as loud as I could and frantically opened the door to get back inside and slammed the door as fast as I could, as if this tiny little mouse was chasing me! LMAO! Now what do I do. My poor dog......He was sooo confused, I'm sure, and hungry! I did not go back out there, are you kidding me! I never want to go back out there ever again.
Now I have to think of a plan of action, cause obviousy the dog has to be fed somehow. UGH!!

Ahh, the SUN!!!!

Wow it was kind of a depressing, sad weekend. The weather was rainy, cloudy and dreary. And just when I think the whole grieving thing is under control..........There it goes again, it turns upside down. But I watched Landon's montage, listened to sad, heartwarming music, cried my eyes out, released some emotions and tension, prayed (alot) for a better day. Today the sun is shining it is warmer and my day is much better! Paige is loving preschool and actually wants to go in the mornings, she is excited for gymnastics tonight!! She has been staying away from the TV, she actually made the letter A, is "reading" books to her "class". I found a really good book here at the house that hospice had brought out about dying, she actually let me read it I think it helped!!

We played lots of tag and hide and seek, and enjoyed our time this weekend, even though it was difficult to push and make it through the day, it was still a very amazing day listening to her laugh and play! Today she asked me to rake the leaves in the front yard and so I did. She had tons of fun jumping in the leaves!

I got ahead of myself last month, thinking Landon went to Children's in Sept, but it was October, October 21 to be exact, here are a few pics taken before he stopped eating and ended up at Children's. He was almost 4.5 months old.

Achievements! Sorry long and proud!

I am giving my self a big "You go Girl"!!!

Ok, Not to brag, but I am very proud of my latest achievements. First of all, the other day I noticed getting in and out of the 15 year old car, that the door was getting squeakier and squeakier, and I could no longer ignore it (very embarrassing). So I found the WD in the garage and sprayed it up and down, and it is the quietest door I have ever not heard.
Secondly, The last few days have been filled with flat tires. I left work at lunch time on Wednesday and back up, start to drive off and I hear a "MAAM". So I rolled down my window and he says "You have a flat tire". Luckily Safeway is in the same parking lot, so I drove over and fill my tire, guesstimating how much I am putting in by looks, kind of scared the tire might blow if I overfill. So I proceed to my lunch duties (Target). When I left work the tire was still aired up, so I thought well maybe it someone just let the air out! So I went to bed thinking, Ok, I have to get up a bit early just in case the tire is flat.....Go to bed, wake up, get in the car, back out of the driveway..........WHOA!! What is that awful noise and how come the car isn't going very fast!!! MY TIRE!!! Yep, I totally spaced it, the thought of the tire from the previous day didn't even cross my mind for a second. Anyways, I pull back in the drive way, go into the garage and pull this very large air compressor out and air the tire up, of course again guesstimating the amount I put in. This time I did have a gage, but one time I put it on and it said 15lbs and the next it said 10lbs. So I took the point, I had no clue what I was doing. So I got the "right" amount of air in the tire, took Paige to preschool (4 miles away) and came back to Pierce to have the guys at the tire shop fix it. Was about an hour and half hour late for work, but that's ok. So he came in said I was all set and I asked how much, he said it is on us today!!
HOW NICE!!! I leave for work, this time no lunch because I was late. About 4P i said to my co-worker just looking out the door, OMG I think my tire is flat, she looked and she said "no it is just the way the sun is hitting it". I say Oh yeah you are right. So leave to go home and sure enough it is half flat, so I air it up and come home, look at tires, and they fixed the wrong tire. I know, FREE? So I called them this morning, they apologized, I mean really they did it for free what could I say but no big deal. Took it back in and got it fixed this morning, FREE!!!
Third, I just blew out my sprinkler system for the winter!! Yep did it all by myself! I am very proud, (not very hard) except kind of hard to have a 4year old tell me weather or not all the water is blown out of the one in front cause I am holding the air to system in the back. But she did her best! So Hopefully I got all the water blown out and we will not have any broken pipes this winter!!!! I think that calls for a night on the couch and a little drinky poo in hand!
Have a great weekend!! And thanks for listening!
Ps- I have a mouse (possibly plural) in my garage. I do not do mice!! Really at all!! Not sure how to go about that! Maybe I could lock Sugar in the garage for a while :)

Tami

Learn to Listen!! OOPPSS

Ok, So we are driving in the car to Preschool this morning. Paige is talking 100 miles per minute. I am off in a different world not really hearing what she is saying but responding with a UhHu, yep. We went on like that for a while, then after one of my UhHu, yeps, she very excitedly says REALLY!!! It caught my attnetion and I said in a low voice, uhhu, She replies with this. "Oh Yeah I get a puppy for my birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I was in shock, I really did not know what to say, I couldn't say oh sweetie I wasn't really listening to what you were saying!!!
Her birthday is not until April, so maybe she will not remember, right????

Complex

ok, so I talked to the therapist about Paige and the unrealistic talkings about brother/sister and that it is becoming an issue. She definitaly thinks that this is her way of dealing with the loss of Landon. She said that I need to be very carefull wih dealing with it because if Paige does not have this form of expressing herself, se could just shut down. She said even though she is not suggesting in play that this brother/sister is Landon, she said it really could be. So although I did not tell Paige she could not talk like this anymore, I just basically told her she needed to try and talk about things like gymnastics, what she did over the weekend and so forth, basically things that were real. So last night I got smacked in the face. She was getting dressed to go to gymnastics and she said my brother Landon, and she stopped and looked at me as if she got caught doing somehing she was not supposed to. Then she said, oh yeah, I am not supposed to talk about him.... I said oh Paige you can talk abut Landon as much as you want, I said it is just your pretend brother, and she said with force, Landon is my pretend brother! So, I repeated myself, You can talk about Landon as much as you want to whom ever you want. Yikes, this is soo complex!! So, I am done with the worrying about it. I think she gets the point and I just have to realize that this is impacting her more than I ever would have imagined!!! She has been talking about him soo much lately. She came into the kitchen yesterday and said, mommy we forgot kisses for Landon, I thought she wanted to give me a kiss for him, she then proceeded to kiss her hand and blew it up to the sky!! She is sooo awesome!
Gymnastics went soo well, she is soo outgoing! She loved it, and it will be soo good for her. She is not very coordinated, and I soo hope that the 4 short weeks of this will help alot! We will practice at home too!! Going back to work full time, I have to find a program that is on the weekend and it is very difficult to find anything! That is frustrating as a fulltime worker and fulltime mom!! The good thing is we have 2 cities that are the same distance from the house and hopefully more options! Wish me luck!

Good weekend, Paige and I got out flu shots yesterday. I was going to try to not do the shot but just the nasal vaccince, but they said it does not protect against the symptoms as well as the actual shot. So I opted for the host, poor thing, she cried for just a bit and then I told her she really needed to be a big girl for all the other little kids in the waiting room. We did not want them to be scared to get there's. She stopped crying and we proceeded over to Toys R Us!! She got to pick out a toy since she was such a big girl!!! My shot did not hurt, but it is really soar today! She got her's in the leg and mine in my arm.
So she spent her first night at her dad's. Yeah that was different! I hav enot been alone for that long in over a year maybe 2 years. But i rented a movie and just hung out here. I can't beleive this but I didin't wake up till 830A. WOAH! Haven't done that in over 5 years!
I am ready for her to come home!!! I really missed her.
So I met with her preschool teacher and just went over some basic goals for Paige. She said her gross and fine motor are both great. SAid she was doing great in class, listening and playing with the other kids... BUT! she said she has been noticing, the things that Paige talks about, well not quite reality things. Everything is imaginary talk. My brother this and my sister that. I noticed it was getting to be all she talked about. Os I asked her why she was talking like that all the time. She said, I just want my brother landon back! Ok tear my heart out! Yesterday she wanted to face paint Landon's face, so I had to explain to her again that we cant because Landon died and he went to heaven. Oh this is sooo tough! So the teacher said she noticed it for a while now, but didn't feel like she needed to say anything to her until the other day. She said all the kids were sitting at the table and Paige was talking about her sister and one of the kids blurts out, Paige you don't have a sister. So she said she did not want Paige to get embarrassed so she just kind of told her nicely that she needed to talk about things that were true. I know imaginations run wild in kids her age, so I basically sat her down and told her she needed to try to talk to her friends about real things, like what she did this weekend or what she really has, I told her it was OK to talk about Landon to her friends. I wil lhave to talk to the counselor about it tomorrow and see if there is another, perhaps better way of approaching things. She seems to be having a tough time with that now. She cried the other night cause she misses him, so I had her pick out one of his teddy's to sleep with and it has now became her favorite! Pray that this gets better! My heart hurts! She starts gymnastics tomorrow! I will upload pics!
Tami

Pics

I showed her the picture of her sleeping, it looks like the lights are on, but it is just the flash. Well she saw the pic yesterday morning and then last night before bed she said "Mommy, make sure you shut the lights off after your done taking my picture tonight"

The other thing is, she will not and never has worn a winter hat, for some reason she likes this one, let's see how she likes it when it comes time to having to wear it!

Hi..........

I am going to start Paige in gymnastics. She has been talking about it, so I asked her if she wanted to start a class and she said yes. SO I signed her up and paid the fee, then she said she did not want a class becasue she did not know how to do gymnastics, so I preceeded to explain to her that that is why she was taking a class so they could teach her..............She says "that's gonna hurt my bones" Really! She is 4. But after all that talking, she has decided she cannot wait to go to class and now she cries every morning.... Mommy is today gymnastics, no sweetie, not for nother 4 days....................But mommy that is too far away............
Ok, so Pray that Monday comes really fast!!!
She got moved up to a more "mature" ballet class. Her teacher says she is soo mature for her age and listens well! That is great!
Ok, has anyone seen the previews for the movie Australia???? Hugh Jackman look soo hot!!!!!!!!!
It has been so nice outside.. It is October, it has been in the 80's still. It is awesome, Pagie actually got a sunburn at preschool yesterday. My roses and flowers look awesome! Oh yeah and Sugar got outside this morning and I could not get her in the house...............YIKES, let's hope she will be there when we get home tonight!!!
Sorry I am all over the place!! I took a picture of Paige sleeping last night, it is soo very precious! I will post it when I get home tonight!
Tami

(A little tidbit)

Why Women Cry
A little boy asked his mother, 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm a woman,' she told him. 'I don't understand,' he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, 'And you never will.' Later the little boy asked his father, 'Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?' 'All women cry for no reason', was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, 'God, why do women cry so easily?'God said: 'When I made the woman she had to be special.'I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.' 'I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.' 'I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.' 'I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.'I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife.'And finally, I gave her a tear to shed.' 'This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.' 'That tear holds more then men could understand.'
' If a man was to shed her tear it would look Enormous.'
'For a woman's tear is full of unconditional love, power,sacrifice,beauty,pain,and compassion.''All ten fold of what a Man is able to feel.'
'And that is my son, why I made her as close to being Supernatural.''She's my gift to the world she's an Angel on Earth. '
'Love her and praise her for there will be no other here on Earth that will Love you like I do then your Mother.'
'You see my son,' said God, 'The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.' The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.'