Halo

I stumbled across the song, Halo by The Cure, this is exactly how I feel about Landon. I loaded the song and here are the lyrics. It is perfect!

I never felt like this with anyone before
You only have to smile and I'm dizzy
You make the world go round
A thousand times an hour
Just touch my head
And send me spinning

I never felt like this with anyone before
You show me colours and I'm crying
You hold my eyes in yours
And open up the world
I can't believe all this

I want to keep this feeling
Deep inside of me
I want you always in my heart
You are everything

I never felt like this with anyone before
You fill my head all full of rainbows
And all the rainbows end
Is every step you take
Just to be with you forever

I want to keep this feeling
Deep inside of me
I want you always in my heart
You are everything

Getting Brave

Sugar

Fresh Flowers Smell so good!


Sweet Boy!

Paige And Josie giving goodbye hugs!

1 MONTH

1 month, Oh my gosh, it feels as if it has been 1 day, but yet 1 year. Does that even make sense? It seems the longer I go not seeing my sweet Angel, the more difficult it is to get through the day.

I find myself bored, I always said if I was to stay at home, I would find something to do. But we go to the park, the store, out back to play. I find myself constantly trying to stay busy, though I am never satisfied. There is peice of my life missing. It will take some getting used to. I am scared to look at pictures or videos of Landon, but I make myself. I feel as though if I do not, it will all become too distant and not a part of me. What would I ever do without my rock, Paige. She keeps me going! Her sweetness and innosence is unbeleivable!

I know that Landon is in the hands of the Lord. I think of that all the time. I know that he is in everything beautiful thing that I see. I love that, that makes me feel soo much closer to him!

We went to see Shan, Luke, Josie and Marie. It was soo nice! Marie is as sweet as can be and to just hold her hand was soo awesome. Josie and Paige had a good time. I soo hope they will have a great connection and can help each other out through all of this!!

So in closing, I want to include a picture I took on the way home from Holyoke...BTW--It is a beautiful, peaceful drive. I took this picture holding my camera out the window...... BAD thing to do with Paige watching me.... She asked to have my camera (not thinking about it) I handed it back to her........Then she asked me to roll her window down....... (again not putting 2 & 2 together) I did so................I turned around just in time to catch her trying to take pictures out the window...........YIKES!!!

PRE-SCHOOL

Well, Paige started pre-school today. Same place as she has gone in the past, but it felt like it was the first time I had ever taken her. She was a little leary at first and made me pick her up but she got down quickly and one of the teacher took her hand and wisked her away. She had lots of fun!! She has always had difficutly with the older kids, not quite sure why. So to ease her mind I told her all the older kids were going to be in Kindergarten. Well, wouldn't you know, there were some older kids there. First thing in the car..... "Mommy you told me the older kids were supposed to be in kindergarten.....and there not!!" OOOPPPSS!! I guess maybe some of the kids didn't meet the deadline or maybe there parents held them back. She now says she does not like boys. I told her that is OK!! She had lots of fun today!! She was wiped come 730P. We kept fairly busy for the most part! She gave me a big hug and said that one's from Landon! How sweet is she!!

Ahhh........Sweet signs

I went to the cemetery today. There was another fresh site close to Landon's site. I did not know which site was his. I have only been 1 time his passing 3 weeks ago. One was covered in grass the other mud. I remebered there had been grass, but we have had alot of rain and who knows, maybe it was not growing and they took it off to replace it. Landon's Aunt and cousins had been out and she called and questioned it, they left before I got there. I walked to the muddy one and looked at it for a while, then I walked to the one that had the grass, as I knelt down beside it, a little baby toad jumped out of a hole. That made it easy to know which was Landon's. Like a toad jumping out of his pocket!

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep
Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there;

I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there;

I did not die.

-Mary Frye

Church

We mad eit to church tonight. Paige did not want to go but I made her, Ok I bribed her with Icecream. We got there and she was soo good. Nice and quiet and stayed awake this time! She saw a few girls from her preschool, it was awesome!! It was potluck night too!! And our Pastor's Birthday! So we stayed to eat and had alot of fun. Our Pastor is awesome, he is soo full of life, faith, and energy. It was good and we are going to try to go every week!!

Words of Wisdom....

People are amazing in different ways. Everyone seems to have such unique features that really pop. I am going to post at the bottom words of wisdom I got from Landon's CB in a guestbook entry. These words so many others that have been sent our way, really do help.

Paige is going full force again. She is soo funny.

We were driving in the car and she says mommly look at this. My normal reply is I can't look mommy is driving...... So the other day in the car she says, mommy I will watch the road you can turn around and look at this. She cracks me up. My neice had surgery and it all went great. She had to put cold gauze pads on her eye to help with swelling..... Well guess who had a soar eye too.... Paige. She sat around with Abby and put cold gauze on her eye. She did it when she got home too and this morning. She also hurt her toe and gauzed it. It has been rainging now for about 17 hours straight, rain in running down our dirt road. We just ran up to the post office and everything is a mess. We need the rain so I will deal, plus it is nice to sit inside and relax!!

We have been tuning into the Olympics at night and I have to say that Phelps is absolutely amazing. He had to have been a fish in previous life. And Volleyball, those girls are awesome. I just wish I could react that fast to things flying at me.

When we were at my sisters house, she has one of those dance mats......Have you ever tried that? It takes a ton of concentration! But it was a good workout! Also I have to say I got my sister good. We took the kids to the pool. My mom and sister just sat at the edge, did not get in like I did. We were ready to go and she went over to pull Paige out of the water and she was close to the edge, my mom says "Go push her in". So I walk over and told her she might need to get a little closer to get a good grip on Paige......She is soo trusting at times!!! She moved closer to the edge and gave a big push! It was hilarious! She didn't think so though. Now when I am with her I have to keep eyes peeled to her constantly. What do they say about paybacks again :)

Oh well, totally worth it!

BTW----I am debating on cutting Paige's bangs. They have taken soo long to grow, but she refuses to let me pull her hair back....How can she even see through it??

Tami and Family, I just read the update in the guestbood, and my heart is still hurting with you all. We all have a tendency to ask God 'why'. God tells us that He is Sovereign , He knows all things, is a God of such love that we cannot understand it, He has a purpose for everyone that belongs to Him, and that nothing happens to us or touches us that that isn't in His perfect plan and will. We don't understand why these things happen to us, but God does and did even before Landon was born. We suffer for a while while we're here on this earth but great is our reward in heaven. The Lord says that our rewards are waiting for us and they are so wonderful that that we can't even imagine. Before Landon came came into this world God had a purpose for him, and He tells us that when our purpose on earth is complete He takes us home. What happened to your family and precious baby Landon wasn't an accident. God is working in all of your lives to do something only He can do. Since I'm older now and have walked with the Lord for many years, and lived through much sorrow and sadness I can say all of this from my heart. I have watched God work through the most heart breaking circumstances. I am also experiencing this now. It's been a rough summer. Please be in God's word daily, have precious prayer time and spend time with Him alone.Know that when you go to Landons grave that there is nothing there but Landon's old earth suit that he stepped out of when he joined Jesus at home. Rejoice that God chose to use Landon in His perfect way. That he was truly SPECIAL. I know that your whole being is empty, your arms are empty, and in sometimes, if you are like me, just feel like you will throw up. I know you think you will never get over this and will die with sadness. Cry out loud to the Lord at these times and tell Him exactly how you feel. Tell Him your angry, you don't understand, why didn't He answer prayers the way we asked and do something. Then ask Him to pour out His mercy on you, bless you, heal your heart, guide your paths, and give you understanding. Then worship and praise Him for all of His love, goodness, grace and faithfulness. I can tell you I wanted to choke on having to accept all of this, but when I did I grew by leaps and bounds spiritually. I learned to walk with the Lord at all times, and put my full trust and faith in Him.Teri this doesn't happen over night, but it will happen gradually. I can now put situations in His hands, be at peace, and wait and watch him work. Be faithful to Him because He is ALWAYS faithful to us. Our only grandchild, Avery, was born with Prader Willi Syndrome,a genetic disease, and also mito, a muscel disease. She will be our only grandchild and we waited ten years for her. Our hearts were broken for all that was lost, but we know that that is God's perfect plan for all of our families. We praise and glorify God for her and look for God's eternal work in all of this. Teri, please don't think I'm preaching. God put these things on my heart to say to you. He tells us in his holy scripture for the older women to teach the younger women. I felt like sharing that what God has taught me might be helpful to you in your time of need. Know that I'm praying for you and I feel that the Lord will use you in a mighty way in the lives of others. I don't know you all but I love you all. Hang in there!

Crazy Days

Things have been soo very busy. Paige has been pretty sick. runny nose, cough, hoarse, weird rash on her arms. She and her cousins stayed at our wonderful friends (Landon's first nurse)
she fell down a few stairs, fell out of the van, and got stung by at least 15 mosquitos, which are welted the size of half a golf ball. Poor girl. She got home about 4P and has been sleeping in her bed since about 430P. I felt bad for sending her being so very exhausted and sick, but I knew she would play like crazy. Which she did but she also took it easy!! She made lots of memories!!
I soo hope that she is all better when she wakes up in the morning.
We had a lot of fun last night, nothing to wild and crazy but some good girl outing time!!
Today marks 2 weeks since Landon's passing. I miss him soo much!!
I am doing as good as I can. Paige all in all, other than the health issues, is doing well too. She also misses her little brother, but she also knows he is in such a special place right now!
My neice is having surgery on Wed. so we are headed up to Estes to stay a few nights. My niece was born with a hemagioma on her eye and they are doing a bit of reconstructive surgery. Trying to get rid of some of the scarring. She is an amazing little girl!!

Balloons To Heaven

I almost forgot to post this. After Landon Service we brought the kids back to the house, the wrote a message on balloons to send to Landon. We gathered around his tree and let the balloons go and fly up to Heaven.

Different

Wow, life is soo different. I feel soo different, I have lost a part of myself but gained this whole new person. Landon is now a part of my heart and my angel watching over us. I just don't know any other word to discribe how I feel right now except for LOST. I have this freedom that feels good but freedom that I wish I didn't have, but how can I wish my boy back when he was not healthy. So all these thoughts go around in my hear, and I hope with time this new normal is easier to deal with.
Tonight I have my sisters kids, Abby and Bailey and Paige. Yes this was my idea. I have not been able to do this in a long time and I wanted to have all of them hear. They swam, went to the park, had baths and are having fruit before bed. They have kept me busy and my mind of off things.
Saturday we are taking the kids to the parade for the Ault Fall Festival and then Landon's very first nurse is taking the kids for the day and night so that we can have a girls night out. This night was planned a month ago and originally they were going to come here for a few hours for us to go out and watch Landon as well. We figured instead of canceling, that we all need some time out having some fun.
Looking through my blog, nowhere on this entire page is there a picture and I don't like that. So I have posted a few of my faves

Is this cute or what?

Paige and my 2 nieces soaking there cute little feet.

ER

Ok, I thought all this ER/Hospital crap was supposed to be done with.We took Paige to the Fair today, she had a cup of gatorade on the way there, and a big thing of popcorn when we got there. She rode 3 kiddy rides and the wanted tog o ton the Ferris Wheel with Mike. I was nervous, it is huge for a kid. She got off, I walked to greet her and was lethargic and could not move her mouth. I asked her if she was going to throw up and seriously her lips and mouth could not even work. She was very limp and very pale, She was looking at me with droopy eyes and her lips could not move. I freaked! Carried her all the way up to the building and left her with Mike as I ran a very long way to get the car and we took off for the ER. In the car she was barely responsive, breathing fine though. Very tired like. She was pretty much alseep but I could get her to squeeze my hand. We pulle dup at the ER and she threw up in the car and was very very sleepy. We took her in and they called the doc and said there was a 4 year old that had very good vitals but very lethargic. At this point she still was not talking to us, she tried to say something to us as we were getting out of the car, but could not understand but she could open her mouth again. We got her back into the room and she started crying and talking, but very very pale and weak. She threw up again, all over her and me. They tried to get IV and of course did not get it, they did get blood drawn though. They decided to try to get her to drink, so we gave her little bits at a time and she threw up again. So then they sent a "special" person up to get the IV and first try, they got it!
So got fluids on board and a hour nap and she is perfect again. A bit drained but back to her normal self, color is back everything. The word that came from the PA's mouth.........SEIZURE................
or motion sickness. Does this sound like a seizure? I saw Landon have focal seizures. Any input Holly or any one else is greatly appreciated. The checked for UTI, fine, she was dehydrated. So couldn't this be a case of dehydration and heat and mootion sickness and the fact that she shoved a big bag of popcorn in????
I am taking her in for follow up labs and back to a neurologist. She had 6 months ago an EEG, MRI and Catscan. She had something similar, not near this severe happen back then, this was all before Landon's diagnosis. She had a headache this morning when she woke, I gve her IB and off to bed for a 2 hours snooze she went. Woke feeling very good, Also this could be dehydration. Her cousins have been here for 2 weeks, they play nonstop and forget to drink and I have been slacking in that department (reminding her and giving her something to drink) as well.
I am going with the dehydration and not the seizure right now!!!!
Any input????

Things to live by...

My family is gone and this afternoon is Paige and I. I have been scared to go to the cemetery, so I waited until it was just us. Paige and I pack up and take flowers and a picture. As we pulled into the cemetery, there was an old man pulling out and I gave him a little waive with my finger. We get to Landon's site and are sitting there hugging and me sobbing. Well the guy pulls up in his car and gets out and asks if we are family, I an thinking it was kind of rude for him to interupt, I said yes he is my son. He said his sorries and gave a hug and gave some good advice. Said he had lost his wife and instead of talking to someone he bundled it all up inside and had a very tough time. Told me to make sure I don't hold it in, to let it all out and talk to someone. Then he gives another hug and introduced himself and went on his way. We left shortly after, it started to rain. As we pulled out he was sitting there and I rolled down my window. He asked if we had a deep freeze or had room in the freezer for some vegies. I said yes and he asked me to follow him to his house. I have to admit I was freaked out, thinking ok this is what your mom always told you not to do. I followed closely and thought well if he lives outside of town, I am bailing. He pulled into a house not to far down the road, neighbors were out. So I got out and went in and he gave us 2 huge bags full of vegies. Fresh potatos, onions, cucumber, lettuce. And a ton of frozen vegies. He took us out and showed us his garden. Showed us the enormous cucumber he is going to be entering into a contest at the festival next week. Was a very nice man. He gave me a sheet of paper and told me he tries to live by this and for me to take it and read it. This is what it said

Things to live by...
The most useless thinkg to do ...Worry
The greatest Joy ...Giving
The greatest loss ...Loss of self-respect
The ugliest personality trait ...Selfishness
The most endangered species ...Dedicated leaders
The greatest "shot in the arm" ...Encouragement
Most effective sleeping pill ...Peace of Mind
The most crippling failure disease ...Excuses
The most powerful force in life ...Love
The most dangerous pariah ...A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer ...The brain
The worst thing to be without ...Hope
The deadliest weapon ... The tongue
The two most power-filled words ... I can
The greatest asset ...Faith
The most worthless emotion ...Self pity
The most prized possession ...Integrity
The most beautiful attire ...A smile
The most powerful channel of communication ... Prayer
The most contagious spirit ...Enthusiasm
The most important thing in life ...GOD