I think the last 24 hours have been the saddest, angriest days so far. I have felt myself missing Landon and found myself yesterday evening searching high and low to see if I had video of him before he started to show signs of this nasty horrible disease that I dispise. So I found a video, only about 5 mintues long that I took Before the disease took over. I have forgotten what he was able to do. The first part of it is 2 months old, he is looking around everywhere, moving around in a casual way. Second part he is batting at a toy that plays lots of fun music and kicking his legs. Third part of the video, Paige and I are teaching him to stick his tongue inadn out of his mouth, he is cooing and babbling and watching his sister very jealously as she steels his video camera time! This was absolutely 100% heart breaking!! I have forgotten that he actually deveoped skill as any 2-3 month old would have and it is literally tearing me apart! I immediately cried my eyes out, I went to my room and tried to do it behind closed doors as I waited for Mike to come and entertain Paige. Of course she knew what was going on, she watched the tape with me and I think she was amazed herself. Mike got home and I went downstairs, shut myself in the room and listened to Landon's massage CD. I cried my heart out and it does not want to stop coming out! I cried for a long time and then again this morning. I just could not stop and cried all the way to work. I could have stayed home and in bed all day crying. It seems like every month or so a whole new realit hits. I have been ok for the last month, and was not quite expectig this. It hurts soo bad, I feel like I could cry for a whole year, and if life would allow that, I would do it! This disease sucks and it sucks bad! I hate it more than I can put into words!
To top things off, our dog, Harley has lymphoma, cancer and is not doing well. We will probably have to put him to sleep this week. After what we have gone through, this really is not hitting as hard as I guess it would have had I not lost my child a few months ago. Harley has lived a long, happy life and I hate for him to suffer.
I hate Leigh's disease and everything it has done to me an my family!!
Tami
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3 comments:
My heart and soul go out to you. I wish I could give you a huge hug. Cry all you need to and then cry some more. I am so sorry that you have had to and are still are going through this horrible ordeal. You are always loved!
Angel
Oh, sweet, beautiful, broken hearted mama. I am so sorry to read these words. I have no idea what this kind of grief, your grief in loosing your precious Landon, is like. I wish there was something I could do or say to ease the pain, but I don't believe there is anything, no words, no nothing. Thank you for letting it all out, here amongst friends, so that we can Pray for God's Grace to fill you and your home and your life with a comfort that only He is capable of. My thoughts, my love, my prayers and gentle hugs are yours. ~M....
I love you Tami
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